My friends, they love my intelligence
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
love makes seman taste better
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
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I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
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He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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