can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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