Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
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