She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
