Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
the condom got lost in my hair
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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