yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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