last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
