??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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