We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Did you just see the Batmobile???
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
