I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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