Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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