soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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