booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
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