I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
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