just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
