I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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