If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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