I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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