She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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