I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
