If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
