Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
