Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
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