after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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