I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
