either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
