I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
