Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
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