i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
