party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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