i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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