these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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