it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
