i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
