but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
