You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Randomize
