Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
