There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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