He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
