Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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