he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
