Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
