I showed him my bush... on skype.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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