We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
