My Higher Power is John Stamos
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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