My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
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