Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
