gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
