I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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