At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
