There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
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