im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
i now understand why vodka
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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