he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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