Your face is a jimmy john
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
