we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
