I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
