Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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