dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
