So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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