I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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