If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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