I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
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