I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
