Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
