needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
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